Mixed Signals

Here's a poem i wrote.

Mixed signals.

She couldn't fathom if he loved her or not,
Some things said he did,
some things said he did not.

What she didn't know was;
If it was love that he felt for her,
she wouldn't at all have to wonder.

             ~ Surbhi Kukreja

Mother

Life has to end, love doesn't. ~Mitch Albom

Dear mumma,

It's been 13 days since you left us. 13 days since you passed away.
And 19 days since I last saw you. Talked to you. Hugged you. 

I remember how excited I was when I left for this oh-so-awaited vacation in Delhi. Who knew I would never meet you again?

I want to talk to you about so many things, mumma. I want to tell you about the vacation, I want to tell you all that's going on at home, I want to tell you how much I'm missing you and what not?

And so I wanted to write to you. But every time I sat down to write this letter to you, dread filled me. 

I'm hurting as I'm writing this now mumma.
 
I think it's happening because writing to you is reminding me of all I'm trying to not think about.
Maybe we should stick to talking, from now on.

You know mumma, people were saying that it's a sad thing  that we weren't there with you in your last time.

But how were we supposed to know it was your last time? You weren't even sick mumma.  
I soo wish I had had spent those 5 days with you instead of spending them in Delhi, but I don't really regret it.

I've always felt last conversations are overrated.
It's the lifetime of memories that count..right mumma? 

And you have left tons of those.

Mumma, I'm glad that I've always been so vocal about my love for you and I'm glad that I've always been quick to apologize. 

You knew how much you were loved and that brings me peace.

You know mumma, a lot of people were telling mausi that now she has to take care of us.
That was hurting, mumma.

You know only a couple of days after you left us, I started taking charge and i started helping  with the household work because I wanted everyone to know that I can manage it.

You know how much I hate depending on anyone, mumma. I know how much you hated depending on anyone.

And Neha (my younger sister) and Papa are being so supportive. That's all I want and need, mumma.

Mumma, Neha is so sure that I'll manage it and that I'll manage it perfectly.
You too know that I'll manage it, don't you?  

A lot of people are telling me that they are there if I need any help.
That is exactly the kind of help I want, mumma. Knowing that people will help if I ever faltered. Though I so hope I don't falter.

People are sending condolences. Someone wrote to me that you were one of the strongest women she knew. A lot of people are saying that, you know. 

You were amazing, mumma!

So independent and strong and smart. Yet, so beautifully gentle and nurturing.

I've always found your kindness overwhelming, mumma.

You are my hero and I've always wanted to be like you. You think I'll ever be able to match up to you, mumma?

I sure hope so.

You know mumma, I don't feel like getting out of bed these days. It sucks to not wake up to your voice. I miss you soo much, mumma. 

I don't know how Sammy (my brother), deals with it. Seems like he's in denial. He knows all about it, but doesn't want to acknowledge it.
But then again, he's 10 years old. Now one can't really blame him for it, can they?

You know the day it happened,  he was coming to me again and again, crying.
I told him that when someone dies, their soul merges with god. And god is everywhere.
So you are everywhere! So now you are with him even when he's in school! 

He's a lot calmer now, mumma. He believes it.
I'm a lot calmer now, mumma. I believe it.

Isn't life tricky, mumma? The other day I was writing an article on parenting and here I'm supposed to act like a parent to him.
You think I'll be able to raise him a good man, mumma?

I'm really worried about Papa. How does one deal with losing the love of his life? How does one deal with losing a life- partner, mumma? 

You know that I'll always take good care of him. Don't you? 

Always. I mean it mumma. 

You know mumma, when I told papa that I want to go to the crematorium and its really important for me to do that, for not going feels like abandoning you; knowing that girls do not go there, he took a stand for me and said that I can come along even when everyone else said I couldn't.
Isn't that sweet, mumma?

Grandma said the other day that we should donate your clothes. I'm not giving away your clothes to anyone. For it won't be anything short of an honour to wear your clothes, mumma.
Neha, the sister of your favorite daughter, wants half of them. Guess, will have to share.

You know, I've been wearing your salwars at home. They smell like you, mumma. They comfort like you, mumma. 

Sort of.

Mumma, all your life, I've seen you accept everything that life brought your way, gracefully. You believed in accepting God's will gracefully. I'll do the same, mumma. 

I'll accept this, gracefully. I promise.

 Mumma, I promise to take care of everyone well. I hope looking at that brings you peace. 

At last mumma, I promise to take care of myself well too.
Yes, life will be hectic now. But I promise you that I won't lose myself or my dreams in it. 

You'd never want that. 

I never thought I had the strength to bear such a devastating loss. This strength I feel is magical, mumma. This strength I feel is you, mumma.

I'll miss you mumma.

 Always.  

Yours,

Surbhi

A letter offering parenting advice to my older self and why I felt the need to write it.

A few days ago I visited one of my friend's house. She's a new friend and its only been a couple months since we met.

As she, her mother and I sat talking on the couch, I couldn't help but notice her mother's cold behaviour towards her. It wasn't just that her mother's behaviour was cold but I also felt as if it was harsh at times.

Since the day I've met her, something about her didn't feel right.
Though she's a very bubbly girl, there is an air of loneliness around her.

Some days later, in a heart to heart, she told me what all was going on with her, which was a lot; and for a large part of it all,her parents were to be blamed.

And such are the days which make me feel that the quality of parenting has the power to make one or break one. All of us are oh-so-familiar with childhood issues. People around us have them. We have them. And so, I'm writing this letter to offer advice to my older self while I'm young and my perspective is still that of a kid and not a parent.

To,
My older self,
Hi sweetheart! How are you? I hope you are doing fine.

I found out that you are a mom now! Congratulations!
How does it all make you feel?

Excited? Nervous? Both?!

I'm sure that by now you've probably devoured at least a couple of books on parenting let alone the dozens of articles you've read.

So here's what I want to tell you first. Relax. Period.

Here, let's do it now. Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out.
Okay. Feeling better?

Sweetheart, I understand that raising a child is not an easy task, let alone raising a kind one. And that you want to do the best job you can at it. But if you kept acting like this, you're going to drive yourself nuts. You're going to be a good mom! I know it and I want you to believe in it. Okay, honey?

Still with me?

Good!

Read on, then.

When your little one grows up a little, go buy some children's books. You started reading late in life and a lot of years were basically book-less. Sad, isn't it?
Books are magical. And everyone of us can do with a little magic in this harsh world.
Hey! How about you read those beautiful children's books again! With your children! That'd be so cool! (Giggles)

Ah..But I digress.

Back to the point.  Go buy some art supplies, a football, some musical instruments. Let your child indulge in all of them. That's how he will find his purpose in life and that is so very important.
Allow him to follow his heart.

They say a parent should give his child two things: roots and wings.
Give him some sort of spiritual knowledge, like your parents did. (I remember them taking you to satsang even when you were 4  years old!). That. And loads of love and time. That'll make sure that he has roots.
.

Make sure there's two way communication between you and your child. Listen with an open mind. Try and understand his perspectives, help him understand yours.
Don't be dominating.
And believe in him. That, my darling, will give him wings.

And yes, when you'll go to buy your child some books and all these other things; buy some books for yourself too.
Because you must keep indulging in your own hobbies. Why? Because darling, they keep you happy. And you can't really keep others happy when you aren't happy yourself, now. Can ya?

And you aren't thinking of quitting work? Are you?
I know your martyr tendencies might make you want to do it. But don't.
It's not just that you'll find it difficult to relinquish your financial independence, but also, chances are it'll take a toll on your emotional well-being. It might just make you sad. And we both know that you can be one restless woman when you are sad.
And who wants to deal with that?!

Work from home. Yes, you might earn a little less, but you'll still be earning.
And it can be done if you share your other responsibilities, you know.
Don't you try to do everything by yourself. Take help, okay?

There are lots of people around you who love you and they'll be happy to help. (btw I'm sure you married a great man and he'd help!).
Don't hesitate in asking for help, when you need it. Remember that.

And yes, I know that the feminist view is that the guy can compromise his career too. And I'm feminist myself. But I also believe that a mother's presence at home is real important when the child's young. When he has grown up, both you and your guy can make some career adjustments.Okay?

The internet is trolling with articles on how difficult parenting can be and I read this one article where a couple's marriage almost collapsed because of having a child.

Real sad!

And that is why I hope you'll make it as fun as possible. I'm sure if you do it with a lot of love; it'll be easy.

But remember, no matter with how much love you do it with, there are going to be bad days.

With sleepless nights and him endlessly crying, sometimes love is going to go right out of the window. And you might want to yell or run away.

I've seen this happen and I've seen mothers hating themselves and feeling guilty for not loving every moment of raising a child.
Overall, I'm sure raising a child will be a magical thing to experience, but it won't be all glitter and rainbows. Accept it. Don't be in denial about it.

So, no, wanting to go in a quiet room and to shut the door and cry because you're too tired, too stressed, too frustrated or too whatever; won't mean you're a bad mother. It'll only mean that you're human.

And most importantly, spend a lot of time with your child.
Read him bedtime stories, kneel down beside him when he comes from school and ask him how his day was and listen intently.

Be encouraging. Be gentle. Kiss and hug often.

And don't forget to tell him everyday that you're proud of him and that you love him and always will. No matter what. Unconditionally.

Okay, I guess I'm done with my ranting. So bye for now.

Take care babe. All the love!

Your concerned 21 year old self

Disclaimer: The words 'He' and 'His' are used for the child just for convenience.
They actually stand for 'he/ she' and 'his/her' respectively.

P.s. Writing this disclaimer just made me feel like a professional. Haha!

Dining alone!

People will stare. Make it worth their while. ~Harry Winston

Last night, as I was scrolling through my Facebook news feed, I stumbled upon an article on how more and more people were dining alone these days (Isn't it a great way to show our lovely selves some love?). And that was when it occurred to me that I had never dined alone! Since I'm going through that phase of my life in which you decide that you're going to push yourself out of your comfort zone; I decided to go dining alone today.

So, this morning, I woke up feeling a little anxious. Thankfully, I had college to go to which turned out to be a great distraction. Returning home, I decided to take a nap to kill time.

I woke up feeling better but still not very good (who said getting out of a comfort zone was going to be easy!) . In the evening, I got dressed, let my hair down (literally and figuratively!) and even put on some lipstick (for it can be empowering) which is such a rare thing for me to do.

Fast forward, I've reached the restaurant, gotten myself a table and I just placed my order.
As I sit here in the restaurant, I feel a little unsettled. You know, sitting alone, people staring at me, and my mind tortured by the thought that people might be thinking that I got stood up!
But then I realize, that this is just a fringe benefit of dining alone; for it makes you used to the discomfort of being judged by people and isn't that the fear that holds us back in life.

It holds you back from dancing freely in a party, that is if you have two left feet like me; it holds you back from making an unusual career choice; it holds you back from speaking on a stage and what not.

But, you are scared. I'm scared. We're scared. We're scared that we might not be good enough, that we might suck, that we might embarrass ourselves. And in that fear, tons of us, never pursue that career that might have been our calling in life; the career that had the power to make us happy. And tons of us miss out on tons of fun. And we miss out on all of this because we're scared of being judged by people who are scared of being judged themselves. Seems silly, doesn't it?

So, let us train our emotional muscles to get used to the discomfort of being judged. By doing things that push us; that propel us.
For, only by doing, small unusual and uncomfortable things; you'll get used to doing big unusual and uncomfortable things.

So, when are you going on a solo dinner?

P.s. You'll get to eat the dessert all by yourself! Now, it doesn't get better than that. Does it?

P.P.s God! Somebody get that waiter to read this, for he's still looking at me with pity.
For crying out loud, I didn't get stood up!

Until we talk next time, Take care!

Hugs!
Surbhi kukreja