On why I haven't posted anything lately.

It has been a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. My mom says some days are like that. ~ Judith Viorst

I don't know what's happening to me. Sometimes, I feel so much that I cry all day, sometimes so less that I'm almost robotic. Mostly, I feel lost.

And no matter how I'm feeling there is this constant sense of emptiness. It's like somebody has taken away a part of my heart and now that place in my heart is empty. I think it'll always be empty.

I'm not even sure I want it to fill. Mom occupied that space. Now her memories will. Forever.

I can't write these days. Generally, I can't write when I'm not okay.
Because when I'm okay... I think, I ponder, I hope, I dream, I create.

Now, there aren't many thoughts in my head, and not half as many epiphanies as I used to have. 

I'm not me.

It's unfathomable why sometimes I want to tell everyone about what I'm feeling and the next instant, I want to guard my privacy fiercely.

I get defensive easily. I cry easily. Well, I used to cry easily earlier too... but not many people would find out. As I would quickly gather my composure (Mum always did though. She'd see my eyes and she'd be like... You've been crying, haven't you? And then she wouldn't leave my room until she felt satisfied that I was okay.)

Now, it's different. I'm unable to gather my composure. The other day, I was in college and just because of a small issue, I broke down into a puddle of tears. And I had to run to the washroom to cry. I cried there. I couldn't hold it in. It felt like my heart would come out of my throat. I wanted to sit down and cry. Cry hard and loud.

I cried. Quietly.

Then, after a few minutes when I got back to the classroom;  thinking I'll be okay now, I broke down again. My friends asked me as to what happened suddenly. And all I could do was ask them, not to talk to me for a while.

For I couldn't have told them that I'm hurting, I'm hurting because I'm missing my mom and I'm hurting because I didn't get to bid her goodbye (I hadn't seen her for 5 days, when she left us. And I didn't think I would regret it in the long run. But I do. I fucking do!), I'm hurting because I'd give everything for a few more moments with her. But the sad part is, even if I give everything away; I can't have her.

I don't think anyone can understand the desperation I feel at times, to just be with her.

I didn't think they would either. And I didn't have the strength to explain.

I'm very vulnerable these days. Smallest of things make me want to cry. Cry Hard.

The other day I was coming home from college and I saw a girl holding her old mother's hand and helping her cross the road. It struck me that I wouldn't ever be able to do that and I broke down into a puddle of tears.

Nani (grandma), at times talks to me about mumma. I have recently realized that mumma and nani shared such a close bond. Nani talks about mumma as if she was her little girl and not a grown woman.
Now, I've realized the true meaning of the statement "That a child is always a child for a mother".

I also want what nani and mumma shared.
But sometimes, you can't get what you want. And that fucking sucks.

Things have changed.
Mumma always gave me the first chapati. I'm a slow eater.
And when I used to cook at times; I used to cook for everyone and then would ask her to make chapatis for me. I hate cooking for myself.

Or should I say I used to. I sort of don't anymore. Not with that intensity at least.

Now, I'm the last one to eat and I have to eat what I cook. Sometimes, I have to push the food down my throat. It bloody won't go in.

I don't talk about all of it to many people though.
Not only do they, not understand but people eventually get tired of hearing your shit.
And maybe that's why people write. Paper never gets tired.

So now, that you know the background story. This is why I haven't been posting anything:

1. I can't write much.

2. And when I do write something, all I write about is mum.
And there are days when the thought of people knowing what I'm feeling, terrifies me. It makes me too vulnerable.
So, I don't share what I write.

3. Writing about anything other than mom feels wrong. Why? I don't know.

And then there are days like today, when someone compliments my writing and tells me to write more. (It just makes my day!)
Those are the days I find myself able to write.

How?

Because it does something to me.

And somehow, again..
I hope. I dream. I create.

Mother

Life has to end, love doesn't. ~Mitch Albom

Dear mumma,

It's been 13 days since you left us. 13 days since you passed away.
And 19 days since I last saw you. Talked to you. Hugged you. 

I remember how excited I was when I left for this oh-so-awaited vacation in Delhi. Who knew I would never meet you again?

I want to talk to you about so many things, mumma. I want to tell you about the vacation, I want to tell you all that's going on at home, I want to tell you how much I'm missing you and what not?

And so I wanted to write to you. But every time I sat down to write this letter to you, dread filled me. 

I'm hurting as I'm writing this now mumma.
 
I think it's happening because writing to you is reminding me of all I'm trying to not think about.
Maybe we should stick to talking, from now on.

You know mumma, people were saying that it's a sad thing  that we weren't there with you in your last time.

But how were we supposed to know it was your last time? You weren't even sick mumma.  
I soo wish I had had spent those 5 days with you instead of spending them in Delhi, but I don't really regret it.

I've always felt last conversations are overrated.
It's the lifetime of memories that count..right mumma? 

And you have left tons of those.

Mumma, I'm glad that I've always been so vocal about my love for you and I'm glad that I've always been quick to apologize. 

You knew how much you were loved and that brings me peace.

You know mumma, a lot of people were telling mausi that now she has to take care of us.
That was hurting, mumma.

You know only a couple of days after you left us, I started taking charge and i started helping  with the household work because I wanted everyone to know that I can manage it.

You know how much I hate depending on anyone, mumma. I know how much you hated depending on anyone.

And Neha (my younger sister) and Papa are being so supportive. That's all I want and need, mumma.

Mumma, Neha is so sure that I'll manage it and that I'll manage it perfectly.
You too know that I'll manage it, don't you?  

A lot of people are telling me that they are there if I need any help.
That is exactly the kind of help I want, mumma. Knowing that people will help if I ever faltered. Though I so hope I don't falter.

People are sending condolences. Someone wrote to me that you were one of the strongest women she knew. A lot of people are saying that, you know. 

You were amazing, mumma!

So independent and strong and smart. Yet, so beautifully gentle and nurturing.

I've always found your kindness overwhelming, mumma.

You are my hero and I've always wanted to be like you. You think I'll ever be able to match up to you, mumma?

I sure hope so.

You know mumma, I don't feel like getting out of bed these days. It sucks to not wake up to your voice. I miss you soo much, mumma. 

I don't know how Sammy (my brother), deals with it. Seems like he's in denial. He knows all about it, but doesn't want to acknowledge it.
But then again, he's 10 years old. Now one can't really blame him for it, can they?

You know the day it happened,  he was coming to me again and again, crying.
I told him that when someone dies, their soul merges with god. And god is everywhere.
So you are everywhere! So now you are with him even when he's in school! 

He's a lot calmer now, mumma. He believes it.
I'm a lot calmer now, mumma. I believe it.

Isn't life tricky, mumma? The other day I was writing an article on parenting and here I'm supposed to act like a parent to him.
You think I'll be able to raise him a good man, mumma?

I'm really worried about Papa. How does one deal with losing the love of his life? How does one deal with losing a life- partner, mumma? 

You know that I'll always take good care of him. Don't you? 

Always. I mean it mumma. 

You know mumma, when I told papa that I want to go to the crematorium and its really important for me to do that, for not going feels like abandoning you; knowing that girls do not go there, he took a stand for me and said that I can come along even when everyone else said I couldn't.
Isn't that sweet, mumma?

Grandma said the other day that we should donate your clothes. I'm not giving away your clothes to anyone. For it won't be anything short of an honour to wear your clothes, mumma.
Neha, the sister of your favorite daughter, wants half of them. Guess, will have to share.

You know, I've been wearing your salwars at home. They smell like you, mumma. They comfort like you, mumma. 

Sort of.

Mumma, all your life, I've seen you accept everything that life brought your way, gracefully. You believed in accepting God's will gracefully. I'll do the same, mumma. 

I'll accept this, gracefully. I promise.

 Mumma, I promise to take care of everyone well. I hope looking at that brings you peace. 

At last mumma, I promise to take care of myself well too.
Yes, life will be hectic now. But I promise you that I won't lose myself or my dreams in it. 

You'd never want that. 

I never thought I had the strength to bear such a devastating loss. This strength I feel is magical, mumma. This strength I feel is you, mumma.

I'll miss you mumma.

 Always.  

Yours,

Surbhi